Live From New York, It's Sarurday Night
by liamdude5
Summary: A series of sketches based off of or meant for Saturday Night Live. If you have any suggestions, leave them in a review. Rated T for language, suggestive references, and violence.
1. We're Not Porn Stars Anymore Part 1

_Here's how this is going to work. I have ideas for SNL skits that I can't use in any of my other stories, I post them here. I hope you like them. By the way, the host of the episode this sketch is in is Idina Menzel, the voice of Elas in Frozen._

Vanessa Bayer:Pretty.

Cecily Strong:Beauty.

Vanessa Bayer:Attractiveness.

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: Hot. With the hair gel you trust, Sebastian Liquid Steel.

Vanessa Bayer:Hi. I'm Brittany.

Cecily Strong:And I'm pregnant.

Vanessa Bayer:And we aren't porn stars anymore. We quit after we were bitten in our last shoot. By both Mosquitos and Smokey The Bear. Ouch.

Cecily Strong:We aren't porn stars anymore. But that don't mean that we don't have hair anymore. Unlike Stephanie.

Vanessa Bayer:She lost her hair after it was all cut off by creepers after she died of being a drama queen.

Cecily Strong:Caught a fatal STD when filming What Happens Backstage. Anyways, when we have to make our hair look good, we decide to use...

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: Sebastian Liquid Steel.

(Idina Menzel comes out on a platform.)

Idina Menzel:Did somebody say "Brr"?

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: No, no not yet, no.

Idina Menzel:Ah. Whoosh.

(Idina Menzel is whisked away on her platform.)

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: Sebastian Liquid Steel.

Vanessa Bayer:It's great because it can make you feel like your hairdresser is a woman who just got out of a pat down from Lindsay Lohan.

Cecily Strong:I use this product because it's great for covering my head that's been filled with Karmageddon.

Vanessa Bayer:I use this product so my hair is smooth when I, wait, what is it girls always do to their hair?

Cecily Strong:Pull on it.

Vanessa Bayer:No, no. Comb it.

Cecily Strong:Oh yeah. It's great for occasions such as Titanic.

Vanessa Bayer:Poseidon Adventure.

Cecily Strong:Taking a walk down alleys.

Vanessa Bayer:On a cooking show.

Cecily Strong:The carnival's come to town.

Vanessa Bayer:And makin out with Superman while people watch.

Cecily Strong:I guarantee it.

(Idina Menzel comes out on a platform.)

Idina Menzel:Did somebody say "Brr"?

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: No, no, not yet, no.

Idina Menzel:Ah. Whoosh.

(Idina Menzel is whisked away on her platform.)

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: With Sebastian Liquid Steel.

Cecily Strong:One time, I thought I was playin spin the bottle with the Blue Man Group, but it turned out to be mascots for Blue M&Ms and Smurfs. Carn sarn it.

Vanessa Bayer:One time, I thought I saw Slenderman, so I made out with him to appease him, but it turned out to be a mannequin.

Cecily Strong:One time, I thought I was rocking the casba with a spokesperson for Pepsi, but it turned out I was just having a seizure in my bed.

Vanessa Bayer:One time, I was with a guy and he asked me, "Why is your basement so tidy," and I told him that it was because I use...

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: Sebastian Liquid Steel.

(Idina Menzel is pulled in on her platform, but accidentally crashed into the left side.)

Idina Menzel:Did somebody say "Brr"?

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: Wait, where did she go? Where did she-?

(Idina Menzel's platform comes back to Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong.)

Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong: Oh, there she is, yeah.

Idina Menzel:Hi. I'm porno song writer, Iliza Men's Deli. I've written songs such as Like A Virgin, The Streets Are Lined With Bras Hyphen The Bangkok Song, and Let It Go Parenthesis I Love My Sister But Not In The Way You're Thinking Closed Parenthesis. Are you going out, looking for a new boyfriend, but you're into animals? Then settle for the Steel Sebastian. Also available in dogs and dolphins.

Vanessa Bayer:No, it's Sebastian's Liquid Steel.

Idina Menzel:Well, I don't exactly think that they can be liquid. Plus, steel would be cold and painful to make out with.

Cecily Strong:No, remember? It's a promotional plug so they'll send us more Sebastian Liquid Steel.

Idina Menzel:Oh yeah, right, the scam.

(Idina Menzel winks.)

Idina Menzel:Ouch.

Vanessa Bayer:So you too can feel like...

(Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong speak at the same time, but Vanessa Bayer says "A million dollars" and Cecily Strong says "A prostitute".)

Vanessa Bayer, Cecily Strong, and Idina Menzel:With Sebastian Liquid Steel.

_Hope you enjoyed. By the way, if you have any suggestions for sketches, post them in a review. Thanks_


	2. Herb Welch Part 1

_For this episode, the musical guest is Ariana Grande and Jeanette McCurdy just makes a cameo appearance._

(BFNN logo appears.)

Announcer:You're watching BFNN on NBC.

(A newsman and news woman are shown.)

Anchor#1:Good evening, New York, I'm Jack Henderson.

Anchor#2:And I'm Valentina Kudrow.

Anchor#1:And here's what we've got. At exactly 8:37 PM last night, Jeanette McCurdy and Ariana Grande were witness to a crime which occurred right outside of the studio where they film the show Sam And Cat. Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who today is celebrating his 60th year with the network.

(The screen is split to reveal Herb Welch.)

Herb Welch:Hello Jack.

Anchor#1:Hello Herb. Now, can you tell us what Jeanette and Ariana saw?

Herb Welch:I got a couple girls right here. Jenette McCardy and Arana Grand.

Jeanette McCurdy:It's actually Jeanette McCurdy.

Ariana Grande:And Ariana Grande.

Herb Welch:Whatever. They're the same thing. Just tell me what happened.

(Herb Welch hits Jeanette McCurdy in the face with a microphone.)

Jeanette McCurdy:Well, we were leaving the studio and we saw some guy breaking into a car. They may have seen us, but we're not sure.

Herb Welch:What's your favorite sports team?

(Herb Welch hits Jeanette McCurdy in the face with a microphone.)

Jeanette McCurdy:What?

Herb Welch:Your favorite football team. What is it?

(Herb Welch hits Jeanette McCurdy in the face with a microphone.)

Jeanette McCurdy:I guess the California Golden Bears.

Herb Welch:Well there you have it. California Golden Bears, still going strong. Back to you, Jack.

Anchor#1:No no no. Herb. Stay there, Herb. Hold on a second.

Herb Welch:What?

Anchor#1:Do they have an idea as to what the thieves look like?

Herb Welch:What?

Anchor#1:Do Jeanette and Ariana have an idea as to what the burglars looked like?

Herb Welch:I don't know what they looked like.

Anchor#1:I know you don't know what they looked like.

Herb Welch:Then why are you asking me?

Anchor#1:I'm not asking you. I'm asking you to ask Jeanette and Ariana.

Herb Welch:Hey, don't you tell me what to say, you coat rack. Who stole the car?

(Herb Welch hit Jeanette McCurdy in the face with a microphone.)

Jeanette McCurdy:Well, if I recall correctly, the one who...

(Herb Welch started lowering the microphone, so Jeanette McCurdy had to duck to talk.)

Jeanette McCurdy:...drove had a red bandana on and some jeans a few sizes too big...

Ariana Grande:No. He...

(Herb Welch hit Ariana Grande in the face with the microphone.)

Ariana Grande:His pants were too small.

Jeanette McCurdy:No...

(Herb Welch hit Jeanette McCurdy in the face with a microphone. The two started bickering and Herb Welch kept hitting them in the face with the microphone.)

Anchor#1:Herb! Stop that Herb!

Herb Welch:Huh?

Anchor#1:Stop that!

Herb Welch:Hey, I have a question.

(Herb Welch moved in to hit Jeanette McCurdy with a microphone, but Jeanette McCurdy took it. Then, Herb Welch hit her in the face with another microphone.)

Anchor#2:Herb, do they think the studio knows about the theft?

Herb Welch:Ah, did you see the baseball game last night?

Anchor#1:Hey, come on Herb. Valentina asked you a question.

Herb Welch:I think she should go back to Bath And Body Works.

Anchor#1:Herb, answer her question.

Herb Welch:I'm not taking reporting advice from Martha Stewart.

Anchor#1:Oh, come on Herb!

(Jeanette McCurdy grabs the microphone.)

Jeanette McCurdy:Hey, you know, we came on the news to talk about the crime we witnessed last night.

Ariana Grande:We are very afraid for our personal safety after this crime we witnessed. We don't even know if he saw us or not.

Production Assistant:Hey, Dan Schneider wants you girls on set.

Jeanette McCurdy:It's him!

Ariana Grande:It's the leader of the guys who stole the car!

Production Assistant:No I'm not!

Herb Welch:And that's the news. Stay tuned for reruns of Full House, back from when sitcoms were good.

Anchor:No no no Herb, stay there. Talk to that man.

Herb Welch:OK. Come ere. Come ere. Got him. Where you from?

(Herb hits the Production Assistant in the face with a microphone.)

Production Assistant:I'm from Texas.

Herb Welch:Oh, a Texan, huh? Remember me?

(Herb Welch attacks the Production Assistant with his microphone.)

Anchor#1:Herb, what are you doing?

Herb Welch:Texas ruined me!

(Herb Welch continues to attack the Production Assistant with his microphone.)

Anchor#1:Herb! Herb! Stop that Herb!

Herb Welch:Whoa. What happened?

Anchor#1:You blew the story Herb! That's what happened!

Herb Welch:Hey, that's ! Brian Williams would be rolling in his grave if he knew how you were treating me!

Anchor#1:No he wouldn't because Brian Williams is still alive.

Herb Welch:You lied to me, you son of a-.

(Herb Welch begins attacking the camera with his microphone.)

Anchor#1:OK. OK. Cut him off please. Cut him off.

(Herb Welch gets cut off.)

Anchor#1:We once again apologize to women, children, and to everyone else for what Herb Welch has done. Up next, a report on a scandal taking place at a Krav Maga dojo.

(Anchor#1 is handed a slit of paper.)

Anchor#1:But first some very sad news. We report that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. This is a picture from his first report back in 1953.

(An old picture is shown with Herb Welch still old.)

Anchor#1:We now cut back to where Herb died.

(It cuts back to Jeanette, Ariana, the Production Assistant, and a dead Herb Welch.)

Jeanette McCurdy:This is all your fault!

Production Assistant:My fault?

Ariana Grande:Yeah. If you didn't steal that car, he wouldn't have come down here and died.

(As they bicker, Herb Welch gets up and starts attacking the Production Assistant with his microphone.)

Ariana Grande:What the?

Jeanette McCurdy:You were dead.

Herb Welch:Herb Welch is immortal!

(Herb Welch continues to attack the Production Assistant with his microphone.)

Anchor#1:OK. Cut away please. Cut away from him.

(The BFNN logo shows.)

_Hope you enjoyed. Review and favorite._


	3. The Nintendo Show Part 1

_Hope you like it. It is based on that Dana Carvey talk show sketch where he always says "Wrong!" The host of this episode doesn't matter._

The Nintendo Show(With Mario, Link, Samus Aran, and Captain Falcon)

(Theme Song Plays.)

Announcer:And welcome to The Nintendo Show. Please welcome your host, Kirk Lothingsome.

Kirk Lothingsome:Hello and welcome to The Nintendo Show. Here's your guests: Mario,

Mario:Hello-a.

Kirk Lothingsome:Link,

Link:Hi there.

Kirk Lothingsome:Samus Aran,

Samus Aran:Greetings.

Kirk Lothingsome:And Captain Falcon.

Captain Falcon:Glad to be here.

Kirk Lothingsome:Alright. First issue, most Nintendo protagonists never talking fully. Should this be changed? Mario!

Mario:Well, it-a hasn't failed-a yet-a, so-a I don't-a know why-a Nintendo would-a...

Kirk Lothingsome:Link!

Link:I would personally enjoy finally talking, but I don't see Nintendo making...

Kirk Lothingsome:Samus Aran!

Samus Aran:Well, if enough fans demand it, Nintendo might do it, but there...

Kirk Lothingsome:Captain Falcon!

Captain Falcon:Well, I actually do talk, so if they did or not wouldn't really...

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Nintendo will make this change, but it won't be until the year 2021. Next issue! Who will be the villain in the next Zelda game? Some say it will be Gannondorf, others say Ghirahim would return by popular demand. Your thoughts. Mario!

Mario:Those two-a seem like-a the most-a popular-a candidates. While Gannondorf-a...

Kirk Lothingsome:Link!

Link:Well, I would really like for Ghirahim to be the villain since working...

Kirk Lothingsome:Samus Aran!

Samus Aran:I've been thinking and, maybe Nintendo will make a new villain...

Kirk Lothingsome:Captain Falcon!

Captain Falcon:That isn't my franchise, so I don't care.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! The next villain will be the lesser known Skull Kid and his sidekick, Majora's Mask. Next issue! On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, what are the chances of Nintendo buying back Rare in the next ten years? M Is For Meatballs!

Mario:Maybe around-a five.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Triforce Man!

Link:Lower, like three.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! The Amazing Lady Who Can Squeeze Into A Ball!

Samus Aran:I don't know. Seven?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Captain "So Much Like Deadpool" Falcon!

Captain Falcon:I don't know what that is, so I picked 2 at random.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! The correct answer was 10.5. Next issue! Some people think Nintendo will soon jump onto the bandwagon and make a zombie shooter game. Your thoughts. Princess Peach's Little Fat Man!

Mario:OK. That-a was-a so offensive. Please treat me-a with-a some respect-a.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! I will continue to disrespect you with insults and racist comments. Back to Nintendo and zombie games. The Link Between Time Because You Are In So Many Different Time Periods.

Link:I don't think Nintendo will stoop that low just to make some money.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Nintendo will make a zombie game. What date will it come out? Dragon Chow!

Samus Aran:I can't answer that question.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! You can, your shy. Captain Of The Punch Out Rejects.

Captain Falcon:Well, I love zombies, so I want to say...

Samus Aran:Kirk, if I may say something...

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! You can't say something. Captain Bald Eagle has the floor.

Captain Falcon:Thank you. Anyways, I want to guess tomorrow.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! The game will come out May 24th, 2020. Next issue! Are aliens out there? Some say yes, some say no. Your thoughts. Mario, The Cousin Of Wario, Defeated By Lucario, Obviously Passes On...

Mario:Well, it's-a...

Kirk Lothingsome:I wasn't done with your nickname Mario, Obviously Passes On Cardio, Gets Pars On Golfio.

Mario:You are insane-a.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! I am perfectly sane and everybody else is insane and wants to steal my Lucky Charms. Back to aliens. Leprechaun Link!

Link:I can't answer that.

Kirk Lothingsome:Samus "Run An" Errand.

Samus Aran:Me either.

Kirk Lothingsome:Captain Futon.

Captain Falcon:I would want to say yes.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Aliens don't exist and any alien contact will actually be some nerd in his mother's basement. Next issue! What number am I thinking of? International Mario Of Mystery!

Mario:44-a?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Link Of The Lightweight!

Link:I don't know. 165?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Sam And Cat!

Samus Aran:Is it between 1 and 100?

Kirk Lothingsome:Don't beat around the bush!

Samus Aran:54?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Captain "Freaking Awesome" Lcon!

Captain Falcon:10?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! The correct answer is 57. 57. Next issue! Why do I structure my show like this? Mario "Insert Last Name Here".

Mario:You're-a conceded-a?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Link, I Think!

Link:You're a jerk?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Sam "Just The Two Of" Us!

Samus Aran:You were bullied as a kid?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Cap "Per" Tain My Falcon!

Captain Falcon:You're awesome, like me?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! I do it like this because I was neglected by my parents. Next issue!

Samus Aran:Wait. So, you didn't know your parents?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong!

Samus Aran:Wrong?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Next issue! What will Issue#12 be? Some say it will cover a matter of characters. Others say it will involve Nintendo's next game. Your thoughts. Marinara Sauce On Pasta!

Mario:I-a refuse to-a answer.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Link The Leak!

Link:Me too.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Samus, The Girl Who-A Ran!

Samus Aran:Will it involve Zelda?

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! Falcon In A Helmet!

Captain Falcon:I'm bored. I'm leaving.

Kirk Lothingsome:Wrong! You can't leave. The doors are locked from the outside. Anyways, Issue#12 is so good that I must keep it a secret. All I can tell you is that it involves Legend of Zelda.

Samus Aran:That's what I said.

Kirk Lothingsome:I know. I just like saying Wrong! Next time, we will find out which Zelda character will be killed off next and whether video game characters like Subway or a good burger joint. Bye bye.

(The title card is shown while Kirk Lothingsome keeps screaming "Wrong!")

_Be sure to like and favorite._


End file.
